This is what I have officially dubbed the hours beginning at 5 o'clock pm until my boys are in bed. It normally starts like this.... "okay guys time for friends to go. Now pick up your socks and shoes and put them in your room"--- whats all that noise? it sounds like cats caught in a blender... oh its the whining and complaing coming from my precious offspring at the thought of picking up their shoes.... "hey Tanner you've been home an hour and a half why is all of your stuff still right here on the floor? put it away." "Garrett stop jumping on the couch! pick up your shoes" (here come the tears, not mine, but Garretts) "stop crying, and do it."" Tait put your light saber away or I will put it away for a whole day!" (tait responds with THAT'S NOT MY JOB. I HATE MY LIGHT SABER. I NEVER WANTED THAT FOR MY BIRTHDAY! I DONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE. TOYS ARE DUMB. YOU ARE DUMB!!!!!!) Fantastic. This is why I became a mom. It's so rewarding. "Tait do you want to go sit on your bed or put away your sword?" (I DONT HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU SAY!) Awesome. "Garrett Stop walking on the couch! how many times have you been told that that is NOT a trampoline?" ("I dont know... 50?") "right. now take your shoes down stairs"
oh by the way... during this I very calmly making dinner (haha) and wishing for a bottle of vodka and a beach far far away where the warm turqoise water gently laps at my toes while hot foreign men rub me down with...What The Hell Is All That Noise? oh just more fighting. "ok Tait and Garrett sit here. face the wall. foreheads against the wall!" (much more crying and whining) Right about now is when Rob comes home... who knows how long he has been sitting in the driveway contemplating driving away into the sunset and never looking back! He for sure knows the chaos awaiting him inside. But soon he remembers that beautiful spring day 11 years ago when he got to see my boobs for the first time and decides it might just be worth it to come on inside. (what a sucker) "Hey what's going on in here boys? why are you in these same places everyday when I come home?"
so much for time out. now its all fun and games now that dad is here.... or so they think.
Oh look grandma and grandpa are here for a (quick? I hope) visit. Now the little boys start their "company-is-here-circus-acts" and I start in again on the "garrett feet off of the couch. Tait stop doing flips off of the funiture, you are going to break your neck. GARRETT stop jumping on the couch! put the pillows back on please!" (grandma is now dizzy from all of the activity) "Garrett that is IT! Sit in time out now! I asked you 3 times to stop horsing around on the couch!" tait then yells, while kicking Garrett: "mom garrett punched me in the weenie!" I say "ok. dont talk like that!" "HE punched me in the WEENIE!" "I Know! now dont talk like that" "GARRETT HIT ME IN THE NUTS! GARRETT HIT ME IN THE NUTS! GARRETT HIT ME IN THE NUTS!GARRETT HIT ME IN THE NUTS!" (this of course shakes grandma right out of her dizzy blur and she informs me that tait needs his mouth washed out with soap... DUH!) "ok bye thanks for stopping by...lose my address!"
Now the dinner routine:finish cooking. scream 8 times for some brat to come set the table. "ok dinners ready.. come wash hands and sit down" more cats in the blender? nope just fighting over who gets to use the soap! HOLY CRAP cant we just get along for 5 minutes? SHEESH. "OK tanner: kitchen sink, Garrett: downstairs bathroom, Tait: upstairs bathroom!" Finally kids at table (but not until after the he's in my spot! No I am not! Yes you are! whack! whack! punch! punch! i hate you!), dinner on table. prayer said. "hey where is the silverware? why dont we have any cups?" apparently I have to do the table setting too. "mom what are we having?" "FOOD, Now Shut up and eat it!" "no really what is it" "Chicken enchiladas" NOW LOTS OF CRYING..."I HATE THAT. ITS SICK! I AM NOT HUNGRY. WHAT ARE THOSE GREEN THINGS? WHY DOES IT SMELL FUNNY? CAN I JUST HAVE TOAST? I WISH WE COULD EAT AT A RESTURANT. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE STUFF WE HATE?" then there is me in the corner in fetal postition rocking back and forth chanting "find a happy place, find a happy place" Not to mention Rob rehearsing his nightly dinner speaches: to Sarah.."elbows off the table, hold your fork correctly. dont chew with your mouth open. stop slouching. put your hair back. dont you ever want to get married? some boy will take you out to dinner once and see what pig you are and tell everyone at school the next day and you wont have anymore dates after that! you arent living here forever! Everyone will think that your parents are ignorant and didnt teach you anything! Tanner why are you holding your fork like a handycap? look even Tait who is 5 can do it right. Garrett how did you get so much food on your shirt? and what is that in your hair? you kids are a bunch of retards.(I am still rocking in the corner)
Fast forward........... dinner done, dishes in sink, floor swept, kids are somewhere else. I am trying to recover some sanity so I can gear up for bedtime routine. (so... scary... cant... do... it... do I have to?) Sometime during this so called recovery period Rob and Sarah have gone off to Mutual and I suddenly realize that I am alone once again with the monsters in the basement.
"ok, boys, if you hurry and put on your jammies I will make you a slushie! " (shouts of joy and pleasure as the herd of retards rumble down the stairs) oh they are such good listeners.
now that 5 seconds have passed quietly by I hear yelling and doors slamming and what sounds like skin on skin smacking. "does everyone have their jammies on?" "EEEWWWW TAIT'S NAKED AND SHOWING US HIS BUTT CRACK! NOW HE'S TOUCHING HIS WEENIE! HE WONT STOP!" just ignore it... it will all be fine...right? Now there is the thump and cry of something VERY painful.... i wait... maybe just a false alarm? still crying loudly.... "tait are you okay?" now the earpiercing scream of that same child discovering blood...damnit. not a false alarm. "EVERYBODY GET YOUR DAMN SHOES ON AND A COAT WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. TAIT 'S BRAIN IS LEAKING OUT AND WE GOTTA GET IT STAPLED SHUT BEFORE HE IS COMPLETELY STUPID." ok so that is not exactly what i said, but i did mumble to myself something about if they would have just put the jammies on like I asked no one would be bleeding. . . . over the next hour my awesome boys tell the doctor how to do his job, ask him why we had to wait for him so long and waste about 2 dozen latex gloves making balloons. I am wondering why i didnt just leave them home and let tait lose more blood so that he would be listless. 2 staples later we are back home. (Rob is wondering why there is melting icecream and orange juice on the table and where have we been? we left all of the lights on.... do you think we are made of money? ) now. boys are in bed. and then....." hey mom remember I need snowpants and boots for tomorrow?" oh shit. (oh its after nine there goes my language) its 10 o'clock! i guess its off to walmart... thank goodness for 24 hour shopping! I cant find my sonofabi... purse. check the car. check the closet. check the bathroom. oh hell I left it at the hospital. shitdamnhell. back to the urgent care. then to walmart. then home to my unappreciative children who are sleeping soundly at last dreaming up new ways to torture me.
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH yeah . i just can t wait for new baby to come out so she can follow in the footsteps of the other children. yeah. what an exciting. thought.
hey jake and josh...got boys? yeah good luck with that!